Tuesday, August 21, 2007

call me selfish for all i care. i am having a hard time as it is giving direction to my own life...i don't really have the energy to fix other people's lives. if only i could, if only i knew how. but it's their lives. dammit. i see them, i see how alike they are. i see how they understand each other. why can't they just fix each other up. me? i'm tired of the shallowness... i'm tired of all that non sense stuff. i've just grown out of it. sometimes i wish i had the courage to leave, to leave him. but i can't. because i know he needs me somehow. i hate the fact that they always make him their shock absorber. it hurts him. i know it does. and i feel helpless. and i know i do it sometimes too. i want to rid him of all this trouble. he's the one person in all this that doesn't deserve all the pain. why should he suffer still? sometimes i wonder why "we" were the ones given to him. he deserves so much more, so much better. he's been brave. he had to carry other's people crosses many many times. it's got to stop. and i want him to have that gratification. and i know what he wants that he will never ask of me. and i am so scared. i am so scared because i'm not sure i can do it. i'm not sure that i can abandon everything i have lived for. and i know that he'll find a way to understand my decisions. i know he will. but that just makes it harder. and i do want to see him happy. i want to give him that . even if it's nothing compared to what he really deserves. and i don't know what scares me more, the fact that i might not be able to do it or the fact that i love him too much to just do it and not care anymore for everything that i have always fought for.

8:59 AM 0 comments