my favorite couple recently broke up. i was devastated. if anyone was going to make it i thought for sure it was gonna be them... they were soulmates. they lived in their own little world and they danced to their own love song. she was the wind beneath his wings and he was her very own teddy bear (hahaha...if you knew them, you'd understand and no it's not cuz he's huge). i loved the love that they had for each other. the way they drown out the crowd when they're together and no it's not to be cheesy and mushy in public, she hated that. they had withstand the test of time and distance. but the bond that brought them together is the same bond that killed the relationship. this made me think.... and made me worried and eventually made me cynical.

are all relationships doomed to end? and do the ones who stay together only do so because they're afraid to let go? in this day and age, is true love nothing more than an illusion?

then another thought popped into my head: maybe i wasn't a hopeless romantic after all... maybe i am in fact a cynical fool. all those past relationships, all those past loves...none of them lasted. was i just swayed into the idea of a perfect love story? am i trying to catch a dream that is nothing more than just that?

i have begun to realize that maybe I'm just not the commitment type of person. maybe I'm just too busy looking for the perfect story that i forgot the concept of true love. maybe this wasn't the lesson i was suppose to get out from this lifetime. maybe i need to learn to understand and love "me" first....

but i do miss being hugged and having someone to kiss. oh how i miss kisses. hahaha...

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8:23 AM 0 comments

"we're not close aren't we?" asked my in-need-of-but-can't-sleep mom. i paused a little and said "no, we weren't but now... we're ok."

growing up in a huge ass family (pun intended), i was always begging for attention. i was always seeking the approval of the one person who wouldn't give it to me. at a very young age, i had already convinced myself that i just wasn't good enough, that i was just a tad short of reaching that perfection she wanted. i believed that no matter how close i get to the top, it would still be just second best. and i envied my sisters and li'l brother, i envied how a mere passing grade was enough for them to get a hug when my 3 points less of a perfect score left me with a lecture of how i should do better. i didn't understand it back then...i couldn't for the life of me understand why i didn't get the hug or the pat in the head. at times, i tried to act dumb. i tried seeking her help for homework and other stuff. i just thought that if i did that maybe she'd looked over my shoulder and lovingly coach me. but all i really heard was "kaya mo na yan". over time, i just stopped trying. i stopped trying to win her heart.

we grew apart...came adolescence and we grew further and further from each other. i found myself contradicting her. there were times that i think it was just to spite her but more often than not it was as simple as having my own identity. and this just pushed us to the opposite ends of the world. we tried desperately to hold on, to pull ourselves back but the more we tried the bigger the hole between us grew. the feeling of "not being good enough" stayed with me always. the thought of being a disappointment lured at the back of mind. i hated the fact that i always seem to hurt her, i hated the fact that i can't be the person that she wants me to be. and then i realized that i was the one hating myself. i thought that all i ever am was a huge disappointment. i wasn't good enough for me. what i thought she saw in me was in fact the reflection of how i see myself.

no, we're still not the best of friends. we still have our disagreements and petty fights. i still disapprove of some of the things she does and vise versa. but i no longer blame her. she's no longer the villain in the story of my life. i respect her, who she is and where she' been. i do not only see the beauty of her soul but appreciate it. and i know she's beginning to understand and love the person that i am, and not just because i was her daughter.

i understand now that i had made my life, i chose the directions that led me to where i am now. i am who i am because i am. (ha! that dint make much sense, did it?)

AND i was wrong, i never had to try to win her heart...because not only has she unselfishly given her heart to us but along with it came her life and her soul.

9:11 AM 0 comments

masarap balik-balikan ang mga masasayang araw ng nakaraan... masarap alalahanin ang mga taong kapiling mo sa pagtawa at pangiti... kay sayang isipin ang mga pagkakataon na nasabi mo sa sarili mo "wala na akong mahihiling pa"... ngunit wala sa mundong ito ang permanente. kung minsan sadyang mapagbiro ang tadhana. dapat lang ay sabayan mo ang ihip ng hangin, dapat matutong magpaalam. ngunit hindi naman sa pagbatid ng pamamaalam natatapos ang lahat. marahil sa pagsara ng mga yugtong ito ay kasabay naman ang pagbuklat ng mga bagong pahina. sa bawat araw na darating ay isa nanamang pagkakataon na ipinta ang ating buhay. may takot man at kaba sa iyong puso, isipin na lang ang mga kahapon na nagdaan... ang mga unos na nalagpasan at ang mga pighati na napalitan ng galak. patuloy lang ang pagikot ng mundo, sabayan mo na lang....

7:45 AM 0 comments

once you decide to set your eyes on something, don't let it wander off. it's never easy going after what you want. people will continually discourage you, circumstances might trick you into a different path and you may eventually question this desire. but hold on to it. hold on to the dream that you seek, to that paradise you have always envisioned...it is your truth, it is your own fulfillment. never tune out what it is that your soul speak of for it is the only truth you'll ever know. you cannot live your life the way others see it because that is not your own reality. being afraid of disappointing others will most definitely lead you to your loneliness. and this loneliness can easily turn into bitter anger. follow your heart...it will lead you to the one thing you hold true.

3:50 AM 0 comments