Sunday, November 05, 2006

"we're not close aren't we?" asked my in-need-of-but-can't-sleep mom. i paused a little and said "no, we weren't but now... we're ok."

growing up in a huge ass family (pun intended), i was always begging for attention. i was always seeking the approval of the one person who wouldn't give it to me. at a very young age, i had already convinced myself that i just wasn't good enough, that i was just a tad short of reaching that perfection she wanted. i believed that no matter how close i get to the top, it would still be just second best. and i envied my sisters and li'l brother, i envied how a mere passing grade was enough for them to get a hug when my 3 points less of a perfect score left me with a lecture of how i should do better. i didn't understand it back then...i couldn't for the life of me understand why i didn't get the hug or the pat in the head. at times, i tried to act dumb. i tried seeking her help for homework and other stuff. i just thought that if i did that maybe she'd looked over my shoulder and lovingly coach me. but all i really heard was "kaya mo na yan". over time, i just stopped trying. i stopped trying to win her heart.

we grew apart...came adolescence and we grew further and further from each other. i found myself contradicting her. there were times that i think it was just to spite her but more often than not it was as simple as having my own identity. and this just pushed us to the opposite ends of the world. we tried desperately to hold on, to pull ourselves back but the more we tried the bigger the hole between us grew. the feeling of "not being good enough" stayed with me always. the thought of being a disappointment lured at the back of mind. i hated the fact that i always seem to hurt her, i hated the fact that i can't be the person that she wants me to be. and then i realized that i was the one hating myself. i thought that all i ever am was a huge disappointment. i wasn't good enough for me. what i thought she saw in me was in fact the reflection of how i see myself.

no, we're still not the best of friends. we still have our disagreements and petty fights. i still disapprove of some of the things she does and vise versa. but i no longer blame her. she's no longer the villain in the story of my life. i respect her, who she is and where she' been. i do not only see the beauty of her soul but appreciate it. and i know she's beginning to understand and love the person that i am, and not just because i was her daughter.

i understand now that i had made my life, i chose the directions that led me to where i am now. i am who i am because i am. (ha! that dint make much sense, did it?)

AND i was wrong, i never had to try to win her heart...because not only has she unselfishly given her heart to us but along with it came her life and her soul.

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